No Strings.

"No, puppet! It is not time to dance!" President Putin screamed at his television set.

He turned to me, beseechingly, and said "He's fucking doing it again. Every time he fucks our shit up."

This has been the life of President Vladimir Putin since Donald Trump has taken office.

"When we first made plans to make him president we thought it would just be nonstop luls. I mean, President Trump. Rekt, America. Rekt." 

Far from buoyant however, a tired President Putin confided in me that "Trump won't stick to the script. Directing him is an absolute nightmare. He is the worst. Seriously, how hard is it to stay off of the twitter?"

Usually a meticulously groomed and imposing man, today's President Putin was decidedly less impressive. For the short time that he has granted this reporter access he has been in pajama pants and a Motley Crew T-shirt. It's been eighteen hours so far. We were scheduled for an hour but when I arrived for the interview he waved me into his suite , saying "Fuck it. He's ruined everything anyway.", and pouring himself a coffee mug of vodka. Rather than let me leave he's making me write the article right here so that he can read it.

"Honestly, all he was supposed to do was beat Hillary. We were hoping for some deals afterwards, sure, but that wasn't the payoff. I just don't like Hillary. I winked at her once and she flipped me your bird when no one was looking. Fuck Hillary. Also, Obama got all up in my face and there's that picture that makes me look like a bitch. Did you think Vladimir would not get his get back?" He laughed heartily at that, exclaiming "I'm motherfucking KGB, bitch."

"Look at this shit!" He said, stabbing a finger at the CNN anchor's face, "He reads OUR fucking propaganda, believes it, and then tweets it when his handler isn't looking! Now everyone is talking about our fake bullshit news story. It was only meant for the idiots!"

He stopped abruptly then, regarded me sharply, and said "Let me see what you've written."

After reading this draft the President seems slightly subdued but he's a very hard man to read. He's asked me to join him for tea after he changes in the other room. Perhaps when he returns we can get to the original topic for my interview, Top 10 Pimpin' Places President Putin Parties.